Quarter of a way through!

Hello everyone! I am a quarter of the way through school. Just one more year to go! Still have three semesters to go but the next two will be trying for sure. I think the 4th one will be much easier after we get through the bulk of the information.

I need to get into the swing of things again. I hate all the online modules we have to do but I need to get ahead in them. A lot of people said they did all the assignments for the whole semester by the middle of the semester. That sounds nice to be ahead on those so we can concentrate on other things. There will be many more assessments and tests this time around. Also a lot of costs keep popping up!

My boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch right now because I found out about a week and a half ago (right before school started up again, of course) that he has been smoking and before that he had been doing dip. He hid it from me, which was easy for him because 1)he is many many hours from me in the Navy and 2) I trusted him. The way I found out was an accident. He did not tell me.  I did a video call thing while we were on the phone together and saw him smoking. We had a huge thing over this because I am very hurt that would hide something from me. To me, that is lying. We had been on the phone for an hour talking about our futures together and him telling me he has always been honest with me and never lied. Well he is full of shit. After talking with one of my friends (a wise friend), I told him that by December, when we are supposed to see each other again, he needs to have stopped smoking and needs to do something with his life (stop wasting his time in the Navy) by either enrolling into classes for a degree or getting a certification in some kind of trade. He has been able to use his GI bill for the past year and has done nothing and saved no money for anything. He went in to do something with his life and has not done anything. Also I told him if he ever hides anything from me again or lies We are done. I am still angry but not as bad as the first week of school. His parents are chain smokers and my dad has been smoking cigars or doing dip. His parents do love him but growing up they put money towards cigarettes over feeding him. They have been kicked out of so many places and the electricity has been turned off so many times. He knows this and he knows what tobacco products do to you and has a lot of family with cancer (most having died and his grandmother having to get a lobe of her lung out.

 

Besides that, The drama at school is much better. I stopped talking to the one person who the class hated and caused a lot of drama and since then have been talking to more people in the class. It is good for me to break free from that BS. I am trying to become a better, more rounded person. Trying to talk to more people and see other view points, as well as trying to stay low stress (well as much as possible), and to take care of my body better.

 

How is everyone doing?

D.

 

Frustrated part II

We have do much coming up and I had not felt like I was getting super stressed but I guess I have been. I have had multiple times were I get randomly itchy at night time. Two times happened when I went back home to see my grandma who ended back up in the hospital and we had a lot of family drama about that. I was a mess at that time and missed a couple days of school and went back home to see her. Thankfully I didn’t have any tests during that time but still missing two days of classes was not the best. I slept on a pull out cot back in my old house since I had no room anymore because my brother moved in with my dad during the time I was leaving. I woke up in the middle of the night itching like crazy but had no bumps, just red where I scratched myself. I freaked out thinking it was maybe bedbugs?? I slept on the leather recliner and the second night I slept on the recliner again and had the same thing happen in the middle of the night.

The next time it happened was last weekend at work, I was there till about 11:30 pm and around 10ish at night I began itching like crazy! No bumps, just red where I itched! I was not stressed at that time but was annoyed because I had to wait an hour to get report from the other person so she could leave and I could get started on things like 10 blood sugars and so forth. She kept doing other things, I think to stay longer and I kept asking about report and trying to keep an eye out for her being done so she didn’t have to stay so late after being there for 12 hours.

The other times have been these past week. I wake up in the middle of the night itching and I freak out but I don’t believe its bedbugs because when I looked into that there would be bumps in a line or area and possibly blood stained on the linen from them biting. Really creepy! This week I have been getting bumps though. I asked my family friend about it and she said when you get stressed your body releases histamine which causes an allergic reaction. This does make sense because I have also been eating poorly again, feeling drained, and breaking out really bad acne wise. There is so much to do at school and I am worried about my grandma still because she has been getting so depressed at rehab and I am six hours from her without traffic and stopping for gas and food.

I need to work on my coping with stress. Yes we have been learning about it and what to do to become less stressed and be healthy. Its harder to put it to practice.

I wrote the beginning earlier in the day right after I had gotten home from school after my really irritated state of mind had occurred. I am not sitting to eat a warmed up Marie calendars meal, yes probably not healthy but I did not have time to cook because I stood around talking to one of the neighbors for forever! I did do some exercises to help with my back muscles and abs and took a shower so I am feeling much better now. I spoke to a friend on her way to work. I told her what happened and she made me feel much better.

Anyway, back to the story. So we had class this afternoon and got out about half an hour early which is shocking for that class because we would normally go until after the end time every class. My partner for check offs who is my friend in class and I walked to our cars to drop things off and go to the library to practice our check offs for tomorrow morning. He had told me he was free anytime besides when we are in class to practice or study and we had decided days we would practice this week, this afternoon after class being one of the days. Last couple times we had check off together and were partners he had complained I would not put enough effort into meeting up to practice so this time I gave us three times to practice our check offs. He has a very I am always right and I know everything attitude. He is older and has kids but that certainly does not mean he knows everything. I know he spends a lot more time studying than me but out of all our exam grades, I have done better on every single one except for one. I do not say anything like oh I did better or anything like that because that’s rude and unnecessary but he certainly has hat attitude of oh I’m not worried about the test and that gets pissed off every test for whatever questions he got wrong and blames it on this or that. Oh if I read that book more versus the other volume book I would have gotten a 100 on it or blaming the teacher for giving him tips on studying and not doing well on the test because he used those tips.

I guess you have the idea of the kind of person I am talking about. Plus he has complained about a lot of people in the class. I have too but maybe a third of the amount he has. I am fine with him venting to me or whatever but he acts like because most of the class is my age and is 10 years younger than him, that we act a certain childish way because we are “millennials”. There is a great video on youtube from adam connover about how millenials dont actually exist. Regardless of if someone is living at home and not having to work or anything else, we are all in the same program. It didn’t matter how old we were or if we worked or have our own place. Our grades and classes and test scores are what got us here. Sure not everyone has the same caring warm heart that is expected from a nurse or may have good intentions of helping others but we all got here and are dealing with the same things. I feel like he has put me down sometimes by acting like oh you millenials and blah blah. Guess what I have been working my butt off since my senior year of highschool. Yes it is not 10 years+ of experience but every time I show up to work I try my best and am exhausted at the end of each shift because I don’t want to look lazy or leave anything for others to deal with. I have worked in the hospital for the past 2-3 years and part of that was in the emergency room where I have done CPR and seen people come in dead or dying. I am not perfect nor am I always mature but I do not feel I should be grouped with a name like millennial because of my age and some stupid stereotype. Besides, what’s wrong with not wanting to get married young or staying with your family while going to college to further your education?

Also a bunch of drama with my new neighbor family friends and this guy friend I am talking about. He had mentioned to me before about someone he used to be friends with and had a falling out that loves dogs and lives near me and would watch my dog if I asked her too. Said great things about her but said he didnt want to be mentioned or whatever. Didn’t know who or what. Met these really nice people when walking my dog and they welcomed me in and invited me to bbqs and we have become good friends. One day the daughter who moved back in with the family to help out said hey you know blah blah blah and he is in the nursing program with you and I texted him saying I know you too. She was so excited and said they hadnt talked in a long time but he was a great guy. I told her we had become friends in class and basically the person he mentioned was her but I had no idea and he got all mad but I told him I didnt know till after the fact and he said we were still friends but not to talk to her about him and vice versa. very strange. he told me what happened and basically drama drama. He is a huge drama king but he says he isn’t. oh please. This week the girl’s ex was texting all the people she had talked to before and pretending to be her and so I texted him warning him her ex was trying to text people she talked to and pretending to be her and he got so nasty about it and said to please never mention her and so forth and made a huge deal about it. I was like I was only warning you so you didnt respond to some body pretending to be her.

Today after class we went to library and I said okay you ready to practice and he said he was going to talk to this girl (who he has bitched about all semester!) because she wanted to talk to him about something. She came and talked and so we were all conversating. Then he gets up and is like oh are we going to practice or are you just going to keep talking and shit? I got so pissed off because I had asked earlier when we got there to go practice but he wanted to wait and talk to her and I was like I asked if you wanted to practice earlier and you were the one who said you wanted to talk to her. He was saying something on the lines of how he was confident about the check off and was only coming to help me because he was a “nice guy”. I got even more mad because seriously? I said okay well then I guess I am going home because this is a waste of my time and he acted like well I thought you wanted to practice. My attitude is F*** you if you want to treat me like that. We are supposed to be partners and I was trying to practice more with him because he complained I didn’t make enough time before to practice. I went to my car and drove home. He texted me saying:

“I believe you took my initial comment in a way it wasn’t intended. I asked if you wanted to stay and bullshit because I wasn’t going to tell you what to do. not any other reason.”

I said ” That was a waste of 45 mins for me. You said you wanted to talk to ******. I was waiting to practice this whole time.”

Then he texted me three separate messages.

“And I said I’d stay because I’m a nice guy, I want you to suceed just as I want to, so like I have said before I am 100% for practice whenever as my behavior demonstrated.”

“I didn’t mean to waste your time, you were engaging in the conversation so I had the impression you were wanting to talk.”

About 10 minutes later:

“I want to say this, you said you consider me a friend, a true friend doesn’t seek to change someone, they accept them as is without judgement.”

After what I have explained…do you understand my anger and frustration??? I have no choice, he is my partner for tomorrow’s check off but I have texted someone else in the class and asked if she had a partner for the final check off in two weeks and she said no and I asked if we could be partners and practice. She said that was fine and we have already started planning days to practice. She did ask me if I was okay. I don’t want to drag her into any drama or really cause any more drama. I just want to pass all my exams and checkoffs and get to my short 2 week break and work the 4 days at work and go home and see my boyfriend (going on leave for it hopefully), grandma, family, and friends. After that its only supposed to get harder in school.

I spoke to my friend about it and she said to just tell him maybe its good to get a break as partners and such and that we can still be friends but I will have a different partner for final one. I personally am terrible at wording things. I don’t know if this will end up causing us to not be friends and thats a shame but I can’t put up with that rude attitude. Like I need his help to pass. How rude!

If you got through this rough terrible post, I am sorry. haha. I know it is all over the place but I am always like that, so what’s new? Grammar is not so great either…apologies!

Keep smiling,

D.

 

P.S. I need to get into yoga and meditation and maybe those essential oils would be nice to smell. One patient had one in their room and it smelled so good and was really relaxing.

 

 

 

 

Frustrated

First off hello everyone! Long time no…talk? Text? Blogging? How is Everyone?
So far I’ve been surviving nursing school. Not much left of this summer semester to go and I am at a good point. I’m in a small studio apartment with my dog and we go on walks frequently and have made some good friends around here especially a wonderfully welcoming neighbor family who invites us over often and watched my doggy when I go to work in evening time so she isnt alone. My dog wants to be adopted by these people haha. She gets fed whatever ahe wants under the moon and cuddles with her new grandma and watches movies on the couch with her. I have been working as a CNA at a hospital here once a week which is not much and its an adjustment to be back on the floor. I want to go back to ER!! But their ER people look so bulk…I look like a twig next to them. A short twig. 

Anyway school has been tough but I have been doing really good on exams this past week. First round of tests were easy peasy and then 2nd round about killed us and now I am catching on to how to take the questions! They say we have to learn to think like a nurse. Maybe I am getting it? This past week was a bit of a break without much homework but iy begins again soon. 
Anyway the must frustrating thing right now that ticked me off so much is this group project. I can not stand group projects. “You have to work with people blah blah” yeah we do but not usually like this on real life. In real life you do help each other out (hopefully) because you can’t do it all on your own but group projects are bull shit. We have a big research project about patient safety and are told our topic. Its three of us and we have to make a poster board that gets printed out by the school. One girl and inhave been doing research and adding things here and there to our google doc but the other girl has done diddly squat. The girl who has been work was really irritating me before because she would act like we were suppose to meet up and of course girl who does nothing runs out right after class and girl who does stuff wants just the two of us to work on it? No way. All three or nothing. Why should we have to meet up and do everything. Plus she expected me to wait till after she got done meeting up with someone else after class. I am not waiting around 40 minutes for you. Plan it out better. The girl who does nothing decides today to be like hey what do we need to do because it is being turned in next week to be reviewed and I tell her whats left and she acts like she cant do anything on her own and like she doesn’t even know what the project is. My day was going fine but she had to irritate me and act like we wete ganging up on here by telling her we had done everything else and she decided to wait till now to speak up and wants to meet at 715 tomorrow. Yeah not happening. I was aboit to email the professor about it all and show her proof of the girl not doing anything but now she decided to do something on the project. 
The main thing that pisses me off is that some girls and I went to get pedicures after we gave a bunch of foot care/pedicures to homeless/less fortunate people at a facility for our community project. We decided we would treat ourselves and when we were getting done we saw girl who did nothing getting a pedicure. And my friend said on facebook she posted pics pf her at the beach last week. She is trying to say she had a lot of personal family things going on. Guess what I have too. I thought my grandma was dying and drove 6 hours to see her and missed 2 classes and still made up all my shit and never used it as an excuse. We are in nursing school now. I don’t want to here your excuses. She had not responded to us since the 30th of june and had done nothing for our project till tonight. 

Group projects teach you not to trust anyone else but yourself. That is what I have learned. If I ever teach I plan to have group activities in class but never any group projects. 
Anyway that is it for now. I have a lot to write about but should go to bed.
Keep smiling,

D.

Screeching Halt

Well it has been a rough week and a half. When I imagined myself moving, I imagined myself having a great time moving out with my dog. Having some quiet and not having to deal with a lot of things that were going on before.

I moved six hours away to go to school. At first everything was fine moving but then I got into a car accident a week ago. I tried to stop but there was a lot of traffic so I was too close to the car in front of me and I rear-ended the person in front of me. My little Honda got smooshed in the front and the air bag went off. It was horrifying. I had my dog with me and we were trying to go to the dog park I looked up online.

The lady’s car was just dented and she was fine. She was actually quite nice to me and told me it was fine and she had done it before too. I called 911 and we moved our cars over. I called AAA to tow my car, which by the way is great to have because they will tow up to 100 miles for free for me. The police officer was nice as well. I got a ticket for following too closely and the lady took me and my dog home.

Everyone was okay but it was still a horrible time and many tears were shed and are still shed. I felt so alone. I am here alone. My dad was angry because I was six hours away. He is pissed that I moved so far away and wanted me to go to school nearby. I thought moving away on my own would be a good thing for me. It made me want to pack everything back up and move back home, meaning I would quit nursing school here before I even started. Of course I don’t have that option. I have to get through this program even if that means being miserable and alone for the next 15 months. I have already put everything into this. I have done everything to get into the program and have now moved myself and my dog here. There’s no turning back now.

It was strange getting a ride from the lady and was wondering if it was a bad idea the whole time but she had offered and I didn’t have anyone. She was willing to let my dog go home too so it was kind of her but…It was strange. On the way to my apartment she kept making phone calls to people to ask for money. Basically everyone turned her down. She explained to me that she had just started a new job as a bartender and had to pay $40 to get her uniforms and supplies to work but she wouldnt be getting paid from her last job till that Friday. She said she was supposed to meet a friend up to borrow the money from them but because of the accident she took too long and they had to go. It all sounds kind of fishy though. I kept apologizing to her and she said it couldnt be helped and not to worry. She did ask me if I had any money to borrow and she would pay me back Friday. I gave her a 10 dollar bill I had in my wallet and told her for taking us home she could have it and I appreciated her taking me but I don’t have much. She said she would pay me back but I told her it was for the ride. I know my insurance company will pay for all the damages on her car to be fixed and it was just a dent so nothing should be bad on the car.

My poor insurance company…I am keeping that Asian woman driver stereotype alive with my crappy driving ability…

It was a couple days of depression with the crying and feeling bad about everything and for myself and my dog. I felt horrible for dragging my dog along with me into this mess although I know I have always taken care of her. I appreciate her being here with me so much.

My family friend who was my CNA instructor was on the phone with me a lot during this time and she tried to make light of everything. She almost came up here to drive me around and make sure I was okay. I love her like a mother. She is truly kind hearted and loving. I don’t know what I would do without her in my life.

My dad told me to call my insurance company because they are a bank and everything for military. He wanted me to see about a loan for a car and was okay with being on a loan with me. My credit score is higher I than his but I am currently unemployed because I left my job when I moved.  I got a loan for $8750 and looked at cars through the company’s site and they used truecar for their cars. I had a few choices I wanted to see and I had asked the car place I would take my car to before what they recommended and they told me a bunch of the cars I had mentioned were not good choices because they had to replace a lot on them or how expensive it was to fix. They recommended the hyundai elantra I saw. I was going to go see it but then I had called USAA back about the truecar certificate prices and if it was possible to haggle with the dealership about the prices. He said I could haggle with them and helped me look for a good car choice. He found a 2013 Hyundai Accent that had a clean carfax and only 46k mileage. It seemed like a great car choice. It was a hatchback too. I went to see that car first and did end up getting it but I will tell you guys that I am apparently a very tough buyer.

When I got to the place, I had to use uber for the first time, and they handed me off to the new guy because when they looked at me, they thought “easy sell”. haha jokes on them because I was pain in the butt. I looked at the car and saw a lot of issues. I told them the tires needed to be changed for sure, oil changed, needs gas, and there were a lot of dents and scrapes on the car. I said either they would have to lower the cost because of the bodywork or fix it. They kept going back and forth and then I called my dad and he went back and forth with them.  Finally we came up with a good deal. They lowered the cost so that with all the dealership costs and taxes that it was reasonable. They changed the oil, put gas, and changed three of the tires. It took  at least four hours of being there before I could drive off with my new car. They said to bring the car back and drop it off for two days for the bodywork. I dropped it off this morning and am suppose to get it back Friday morning. I told them that there is this annoying sound in the back while I drive. Hopefully they can fix it.

Besides that, things are getting better. I still feel pretty lonely. It helps having my dog with me and we go on walks often. I feel a little bit depressed still but I hope that when school starts next week that it will get better. I hope I meet a lot of new people and make good friends. I have no one here and it would be nicer to have people to go out to the beach, to study with, and to know I am not alone. I know that my goal is to finish the program and become a nurse but I hope that the next 15 months will not be as miserable as the first week and a half.

 

Any tips?

Keep smiling,

D.

Just me and my dog

Well folks, it’s just me and my dog now. My dad helped me move 6 hours away from where I have lived since I was in the second grade. He dragged a large trailer with his SUV and I drove my tiny little car with my doggy all the way here, last weekend. We were able to move all my stuff into the tiny studio apartment with such a small amount of time. I have a Murphy bed that goes up and down for my mattress. I believe it is less than 300 square feet in here. One itty bitty bathroom and one itty bitty kitchen. I do have a tiny stove and fridge that is my height (so pretty dang short). I have never been on my own before and am having to deal with a lot of new things these last couple weeks.

My dog had a rough time when I was packing everything and starting to move things onto the trailer. She did not know what was going on and was afraid I was leaving her. I wish that dogs were able to understand everything we say because I tried to assure her that she was coming with me. When we drove here, she did really good. We have never taken that long of a trip in the car before so every time we would get out to stretch our legs, she would be excited and think we got there. When we did get to the apartment she was freaking out because she didn’t understand what was going on. She seems to have settled in better now. She is used to being able to go outside without a leash on, while in our yard, but now she has to be on a leash all the time, even just for the small front area. The studio apartment is also very tiny and I feel bad that she doesn’t have as much space to roam as before but I have been taking her on a lot of walks. I need to look up dog parks around here but she doesn’t get along with other dogs well. We have visited two out of the four pet stores here (three are within 10 minutes from me). We went to pet supermarket this weekend and she got her nails trimmed and because I gave them a tip they went ahead and cut her long paw hair (She hates it when I cut her paw hair or trim her nails but her paw hair gets so long and she slips around). She got a mini medi pedi for a decent price. Next on the to do list for her is a bath. She is not a fan but she doesnt fight the bath much just looks sad and will try to get out of the tub and hide.

Other than that, I finally got my wifi up and running yesterday. It took forever (or at least thats how it felt), because the company was having an outage because of a storm. I am close to the beach now so perhaps that is why the storms here are worse. I did lose electricity briefly a couple times but it would come back on quickly.

The apartment is coming together. I have to handwash everything (which is nothing new because I did that at home) and I have so much to wash! Note to self: next place needs a dishwasher. There is barely any cabinet space! I used a bunch of heavy duty command hooks to hang all my pots and pans and put the lids in a drawer! Thank goodness for those hooks or else I would have no where to store them. I had to get a stepstool to reach everything! I can’t reach the top shelves and can just barely reach the second shelves. I finally have most of my things unpacked. You wouldn’t think I would have so much stuff but unfortunately I do. I had so much storage back at home that it’s just crazy small to me. All those shows with the tiny houses made me think that would be perfect but now I am thinking anything smaller than this apartment is too small. My sister is getting me a futon couch. Its a small one which I think will fit really well. It will be nice to have more seating because right now its either my bed or my desk chair.

Oh did I forget to mention that my dog’s kennel is the size of a mansion?? She has her own doggy condo. I never noticed how large it was until I had to move it. I washed it really good before I took it and took it apart. I don’t know how I managed to put it in my trunk! She loves it so much. I can’t imagine taking it away from her. I was thinking about downgrading it but she is used to it and with the big move and change I think she should keep it, even though its the size of half my apartment haha.

I went to talk to the nursing advisor this morning about classes. She gave me the pin code to register but I have to wait until she overrides all 52 of our classes and then emails us telling us what to register class wise. Its stressful because for a long time it said I was still pre-nursing and I was like but I thought I was in the program. She said the nursing program is always behind because they are always figuring out who is teaching classes and so forth. The program is supposed to be really good so I hope it will all work out. I just stress about everything but especially since I moved 6 hours away into an apartment with a 12 month lease so I’m stuck here for at least that amount of time, if anything were to happen. I can’t register for classes yet but until I register for classes I can’t get a student ID or use financial aid to get the things I need to from the book store done. Do you see why I am stressing? Orientation starts the 15th.

I hope I meet a lot of good friends in nursing school. Its so weird to be away from everyone. I have been talking on the phone a lot and texting my family and friends but theres just something about being so far away and knowing you cant see them for at least another 3 months. I want to have friends here too. I will be getting a job sometime this summer and that will help me meet more people too. A lot of people seem nice here but then there are still a lot of people who completely ignore your hellos and waves.

Also I wasn’t super worried about moving here before, security wise but I got creeped out yesterday and took it more serious. I have been locking my door and put a small beware of dog sign on the window (taped so it doesnt cause a problem). The other night someone parked a car in front of my apartment that was super banged up, like it was hit from the side pretty bad. They have a bag and some tape around one window. I saw a girl working on the battery yesterday during the day. I said hello but she ignored me. I was going to ask her if she needed anything. I know some basic stuff about cars but since she ignored me, I thought forget it. Later on when I took my dog out for a walk there was a guy out there and he saw my dog and she was tugging at the leash (she has been doing this ever since we moved here because she is so excited) and he commented on how powerful she was. Later there were a bunch of people working on the car. My dog and I were in the apartment and someone tried opening my door. My dog growled and I was like what the hell?? I looked out the peephole and saw someone heading behind my apartment where a lot of other apartments are. I think it was just an accident since they all look the same and the car was right in front of mine but it creeped me out that someone tried to open my door. I went to lowes today and they helped me get some extra locks (you just screw them on top of the window (if it lifts up or on the side it slides to if it slides to the side) on the track where the window goes up. It makes me pretty impossible to slide up, plus the locks seemed decent to begin with. I also got something to prop underneath the door knob (basically a white colored stick that can move to different lengths) so that no one can open the door, even if they were able to pick the lock. The only way someone could break in would be if I was not home and had the door propped or breaking the window which would be a bit obvious during the day. My dad had gotten me a “chick kit” which is a bunch of protective things aimed towards girls. One of the things was a door prop that alarms if it opens and makes a loud sound. I got a battery for it today. It does seem to slow someone down but I think it would still be possible to open the door. I also have pepper spray on my dog leash and on my keys. My dog does growl and bark if she hears someone near my door so I am thankful for that. I may be really paranoid but I know there are some bad parts around here and the crime rate is much higher than where I came from (Not that it was a white picket fence, super safe place but safer).

Well I think thats it for now. I might be making some posts on tips for moving into an apartment and things not to do after I learn some more. Any tips for me?

Keep smiling,

D.

It’s Stressful to adult

I am finally having to adult and it is very stressful. I’m moving in May which means I’m leaving the area, which I have lived in since the second grade. I have had to move a lot in the beginning of my life but not as much after elementary school. This will be My first time on my own. It is time for me to get out and I’m sure it will be nice but the first jump is always still scary. 

I’m going into nursing school and it’s what I’ve been planning for a while and one part of me is like yay but the other part is so stressed from everything that must be done before I can start. A small part of me is thinking (quietly) that this may be too much and that other degrees are much easier to obtain and can still allow me to make a living without this much stress…One of my friends, who is a nurse, told me tonight (after I told her all the shit I have to get done) that she never had to do all that. Ohy vey. It has become so much more complicated. 
I called 9 different listings for apartments and got some information on some and left messages for the rest. We will look at them in March and I’m really hoping it works out well. My main goal is to be close to the school (all 9 listings were within 10 minutes of the school), for everything to budget well so I don’t stress, and most of all to allow my dog to come with me. I’m worried she will end up weighing more than the limit. I take her to the vet Monday. One place was very specific and said that the rabie vaccine paper has to have the weight of the dog on it and it can’t be more than 35 lbs. I’m thinking that my dog is around 35 to 40ish pounds… She is a medium Australian shepherd…she’s friendly if that counts for anything. One lady thought I said German shepherd and I was like no no an autralian shepherd. Looks more like a border collie. I didn’t realize German shepherds were restricted from a lot of places. 
I’m mainly stressed about money right now. I am starting to try to sell stuff on eBay and trade in things on Amazon. I have to pay 173 for the website for my background check and so forth, 30 for my orientation to the school, 10 for my school id, who knows what for the uniforms, and it just keeps adding up. I have to get a physical from my doctor, vaccines someplace else, and checked for tuberculosis again but this time I have to get a 2 step one done and have to go someplace a minimum of 3 times to get it done and checked. Ridiculous…also my laptop which is coming to about 3 years is giving me a lot of issues and I need a reliable one for the next 2 years. 
Need to take my lavander smells out and drink some tea and jam to some music. 
Keep smiling and hope everyone is doing well

D.

Update?

Well hello to anyone who still reads my blog. It has been such a long time and I think an update is due. I think I started this back in the middle of high school and now I am just finishing my AA degree. It has been almost 3 years since I graduated high school. I usually posted rants on here about different things so I apologize for that. I am still an angry little person but I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who listen to me and let me talk it all out. I appreciate them for that.

Lets see, where to start? I finished my AA degree last December and at that time was in the process of applying to different schools then applying to their nursing programs. It was a long process and I only completed one nursing application and last December found out I got accepted to a really good program. I feel pretty lucky to be accepted to it: 1) because it is one of the top ten nursing programs in Florida and 2) because my worrying about not being accepted to any BSN programs was over (plus I didnt have to continue applying to anymore because my top choice was good to go!). I am still stressing out about the program because I wont know more information about the program until the end of February when we get enrolled in an online class to find out more about the program. It will be a tough program because it is 15 straight months, four semesters straight. It starts this Summer in may and ends August 2018. I am hoping to get an apartment there and from what I am seeing online the prices for apartments, ranging from studio aprtments-2 bedroom, are looking pretty good. I want to take my dog with me and have looked for only apartments that allow dogs. My dad and brother keep saying to leave my dog with them but I know she will not be taken care of as well. I do everything for her and we are very close. I cannot imagine being away from her for 15 months and see no problem with taking her as long as her shots and everything are up to date and I have a plan set in place for food, emergency vet, walks, and so forth. I will know my schedule better soon but for the most part I think I will be able to walk her in the morning, afternoon (after classes) and evening (before bed).  I bathe her, feed her, take her on trips, take her to the vet, spend time with her and everything now. She is my dog.

I have been working at a hospital that is 40 minutes away from me on the weekends, doing nightshifts. I have been with them almost two years (will be in April). I spent about a year and a half upstairs on a cardiac floor as a CNA and couldn’t stand the bullshit anymore. I was looking for another job at the end of last summer and ended up transferring to the Emergency department as a patient care tech at the end of last August. Best decision I could have made for myself. I only wish I did it sooner. There are still problems and the patients (probably 70% of them) suck ass. You would not believe the shit we put up with from some of the nastiest people you will ever meet.  The nurses, for the most part, are very helpful and on top of it. I have learned so much from being down there and get to do so much. I never did compressions upstairs during a code before but on the first weekend in the ER, I did compressions during a code in the ICU (we ran upstairs to help/to get me some experience doing them). Everyone down there pushes me to do new things and teach me. I have been getting better at drawing blood with a butterfly needle and they have me straight cath people. It is a lot of work but the flow is much faster pace and it has helped me with the stress of emergencies haha. There are still some issues with being down there but for the most part its good. I don’t dread going to work on the 40 minutes there.

I am still taking one class online right now. Ethics. Uggghhh. It’s not difficult but finding time to read the chapters is rough because I am so tired all the time. I work Friday and Saturday nights in the ER and now I started working with an agency to help watch my family friends disabled daughter and through that I found another case to get more hours during the weekdays. I watch a mentally disabled girl for a family Monday through Thursday during the days which is very mentally draining because the mother is so picky and fickle. Always changing her mind and acting like she knows her daughter so well but yells at her and gets frustrated with her. It is very difficult and I dread going there because its constantly this and that and this and that. She is very nice to me and cooks for me and such but I am tried of it because there is no structure for her daughter and she wants me to teach a mentally disabled girl when I am not a teacher. I am a CNA. I can help people clean themselves, feed them, assist them in daily activities, and so forth but I am not a teacher specialized in  disabilities. She wants me to teach her how to write her name but the girl is unable to pick out letters and write with her hand (you have to move her hand for her) and its frustrating for her and me. I have been reading to her which the girl likes. The mother said she would get her books (literally had nothing for her) but never did, so I have been getting books for her but it is not my job to come up with things to do with her. She can give me activities and stuff to do with her but it’s not my job to buy things. It is beyond frustrating but I have to remind myself that it is to save money for school and that it is just 3 more months left. I may have to make a new post about just this because there is so much that I cannot write about in this one post.

So right now, I am working every single day and taking one class online. Monday-Thursday help with the one girl even though her mom is there almost the whole time (seems pointless to me for me to be there when she constantly correcting things like oh not that shirt and literally has her change into the same looking white t shirt), work Friday and Saturday nights. Don’t get home till 8am the next morning and sleep that whole day.

Someone rear-ended me in December and I had to get xrays of my back done. Found out I have scoliosis and my back and neck and shoulders hurt so bad. My muscles are so tight. I am going to physical therapy now which helps. I take a muscle relaxer at night for the most part and ibuprofen during the days but am trying to wean off of that since physical therapy is helping me a lot. It’s hard to find time to do my stretches/exercises that they want me to do 2x a day. I got 2 times a week after my job during the day.

 

My grandma broke her leg about two weeks ago. I got so angry at my family because they told me she fell that morning at about noon when I called them and that they were going to wait to go to the doctors during the week and that they were “doing everything that the urgent care would do anyway”. My grandmother (yes both my grandmothers are sisters and I call them both my grandmothers because its an adoptive family to me and I consider my grandma-one who broke her leg- to be my grandma too) live together my grandmother thinks she knows everything and always talks about herself in a superior way because she was a nurse many many moons ago. Instead of taking my grandma to an urgent care or the ER like she should have she let it get worse. When I went over around 6pmish my grandma looked paler than usual and around 7pm they wanted to take her into bed. My dad literally had to pick her up and put her in the wheelchair and then pick her up to put her on the toilet and then pick her up and put her on the wheelchair and pick her up and put her on the bed. She was in so much pain and got even paler and a shade of gray. She looked terrible and was shaking from the pain. I started crying because I was so angry that they let her get like this because of their stupidity and thinking that they know whats best. I wanted to call 911 so they can take her to the ER. They said she was already in bed and was going to sleep. Her leg was so swollen. I was so worried that she broke something and that she would bleed out during the night or that the yellow bone marrow (learned that in older age after 40’s some of our bones turn from red marrow to yellow fat marrow and that those certain bones if broken can cause the yellow fat marrow to travel through the blood and kill the person if it gets to the lungs or heart). I was so upset because my family are stupid assholes that act like they know everything and like it was nothing. I see people in the ER who do not need to be there all the time. I see a lot of people who need to be there and are sick and hurt. I think anyone with common sense would know to take her to get checked out. I called my family friend who I feel is family and like a mom to me (more than who was there, my grandmother and my aunt and dad) and is a nurse with her masters in nursing and taught me a lot of what I know and made me a good portion of who I am today, and told her what was wrong and cried and told her what my family did and how they wont call 911. She said she would talk to my dad. My family got so angry with me for calling her and my grandmother said she “makes the decisions around here” (because she has power of attorney over my grandma and her son (my uncle)). My aunt and dad yelled at me and said basically I was stupid. My dad said I didnt know anything because I had “only been in the ER for 3 months” (actually I have been in the ER for 6 months now and have been in the hospital for almost 2 years and have had experience with falls from assisted living as well, Basically since my senior year I have been around and taking care of senior citizens). My aunt said they had decided as a “family” and so forth. Again this is my adoptive family and they can all go suck d**k. I am so done with my aunt who I could have given a shit less about beforehand because she never cared what I had to say to begin with. My grandmother is a piece of shit who thinks she is a doctor with xray vision and I have always been tired of how she feels so superior and is power hungry. My dad has always been and on and off asshole and follows his mothers orders like a little puppy with his master. My dad basically kicked me out of my grandmothers house and I cried all night worrying about my grandma and her broken leg. My grandmother finally called 911 in the morning around 5. I got to the hospital about 6am with 3 hours of sleep and was worried my grandma wasnt going to make it. After almost 24 hours of suffering and breaking her leg, yup she broke her tibia and had to have surgery that night. M y grandmother tried acting like all was great and how it all worked out but I am so angry and hurt. My grandma suffered 24 hours. Even with morphine, she still hurt so bad. She was at the hospital all week and I visited her everyday. I brought her coffee and chocolate and a warm fuzzy blanket and pillow. She is the nicest human being I have ever known and to see her suffer that much was unbelievable.

My grandma and some friends are the only reason I would ever want to come back to visit here. I will not come back after I leave for school for any holidays. The only reason would be to visit my grandma and a handful of people. My grandmother and dad are trying to act like all is well but I will never be okay with them. Mostly because I know if any one of them broke their leg, they would have immediately went to the ER but if its my grandma or uncle (mentally challenged and physically disabled) then they can wait 24 hours. My grandma is at a rehab now and I am going to visit her as much as I can. I cant on the weekends because of my job and working all night.

Ohy vey, this is a much longer post than I originally planned. Anyway…I am stressing about many things. My grandma and her broken leg and how my family treated it. Money for an apartment and everything to start nursing school. Nursing school being for real (I so worried I am going to mess something up and they will say whoops you cant start school because of something). My job during the weekdays is killing my patience.

Another thing is that my boyfriend is in the Navy and is in Virginia. We are still doing pretty good but we really miss each other. I am so happy to have him but wish we could actually be together. I need to finish school first and then we can see where he is with the navy and if we can move in together at that point. He keeps asking me to marry him and  keep saying no but I am thinking more seriously about it now because he wants to help me through school and that way when I finish I can go live with him and work as a nurse where he is but marriage is pretty serious to me. I really want a prenuptial agreement so that if anything were to happen and we get divorced that we have an agreement of what happens when we still love each other rather than if we hated each other. I worry about divorce a lot. I think we are pretty good together and we are both growing up. He is learning to live in an apartment and pay bills and save and begin in the Navy and I am soon going to live on my own and go through nursing school so I can start making a living. We are growing up but I don’t know where we may both be in 2 years. He listens to me and we have been together for 4 years but I think we should live together before getting married to make for sure we can really put up with each other everyday haha.

 

Well if you stuck through to the end and read all of that, I appreciate it. Even if no one reads this, it always feels good to get it all out somewhere.

Keep smiling,

D.

 

Let me know whats going on with you!

 

 

Jittery

For the last couple months I have been noticing a feeling of low blood sugar more often. I become jittery and feel like I just need to stuff my face with food and something sugary. Its a weird feeling because there are times I just hadn’t had anything to eat in a while and feel hungry. And then there are times where I have had food a little bit ago and feel full in my stomach but then the rest of my body is yelling at me to go eat something. I discussed this situation with one of the nurses at work because she was telling me about her sugar problems. She told me to get a blood sugar machine to see what my sugar level was. I bought a machine for 5 dollars on Amazon (Oh amazon prime, how I love thee). I also got some gauze and  alcohol wipes like we use at the hospital when checking blood sugar. The lancet was scary as heck to use (I had know idea people used these scary contraptions at home!). I ended up buying some similar to what we use at work. They are single stick lancets where the needle goes back inside after using it so its not dangerous anymore. The lancet that came with the machine was scary because you had to put the needle thing inside this white lancet holder and take it out. I stabbed myself with it because it was hard to open up again.

Any who, I checked my blood sugar when I was feeling jittery and saw it was at 69. I checked it throughout the week or so after that and saw it ranged from low 70’s to 80’s. I asked the nurses at work and they said that the 70’s was a bit low. I start to feel jittery and like I have to eat when it gets in the low 70’s. I went to the doctor finally and he said that it could be hypoglycemia, a thyroid issue, or pre-diabetes. I don’t think it is diabetes because it has not been high although he did say my pancreas may be starting to act up. It seems more like hypoglycemia or a thyroid issue. He sent me to get a 3 hour glucose tolerance test. I went to Quest Diagnostics and got it done. The earliest time was 10:30am though. I got two tubes of blood drawn after fasting and then had to drink this nasty overly sweet drink that is lemon-lime flavor within 5 minutes. It had 75 mg of sugar. After an hour I got my blood drawn again. After one more hour I got my blood drawn one last time.

Besides my stomach feeling gross from the drink I felt okay during the test so I was wondering if I was just over worrying and that my results were normal. After I left the place, I felt jittery and sick. I ate and felt much better.

The doctors office called my dad for some reason and he told me they told him (I hate getting 2nd hand messages) that my results were abnormal and something about aa and rheumatoid arthritis? What?

Anyway, my dad made an appointment for me for the 30th because the doctor is on vacation right now which I knew before I got the test done but was hoping the results were normal and that I could wait till he got back to find out. He told me before that he would send me to an endocrinologist if the results were abnormal. They are so I am assuming I will be going soon. I just hope my normal doctor can tell me something before I go tot he specialist. The worrying is bothersome especially since in a few weeks is my finals so I need to be able to concentrate on studying.

It is what it is. I will probably have to change how I eat, changing the big meals to smaller more frequent meals. Also I will probably need to exercise more frequently. If it is hypoglycemia, there isn’t much they can do for me.

 

 

 

 

Back Down

I feel back to how I felt before when my dad and I were dealing with Stacie. A psycho who manipulated us and made us feel miserable. It was miserable living with her. My dad is still married to her for one more year. He made a stupid deal with her through the lawyers and court to stay married for three years so she had insurance. His reasoning was that it was cheaper but he continued to do things for her and had to pay a certain amount of money each month. She had been married multiple times before him and used every single person for half of their retirement and whatnot. She uses everyone she can and says she is too sick to do anything which i think is a load of shit. While we dealt with all this I was in such a depressed pit hole. I felt like crying all the time and felt like crap. I went to the doctors to get anti depressants which I did not like and stopped using. I went to a therapist and that helped but I stopped when I thought I was good and then started up again and stopped again.

I thought I was good now. His girlfriend has moved in after a really tough year of dealing with cancer and I thought all was good. i am going to school full time and working a full time job at the hospital. (During the summer I am doing some online classes.) As each really tough weekend goes by the worst I get with my dad. He texts me while I am on my three day twelve hour stretches to complain about dishes. One weekend he says I need to wash my dishes and make time. I said I did not have time to wash them at night before work and will wash them in the morning when i get home. He said thats fine. Next weekend he texts me saying I have to make time. I tell him i will wash them when I get home. Each weekend it was the same thing until the weekend before last he texts me this long nasty text about how I use Debbie (his girlfriend) and how I need to get a real job and so on and so forth. I got it during my break on a horrible weekend. My break was after one int he morning. I sat in the break room tearing up and then when I drove home I cried and when I was home later I cried. He sends me this nasty message about bullshit he could have told me later and then sends a message saying sorry for how he said it but that he was completely in the right. I talked to Debbie about it and she said she did not feel used. I literally eat tv dinners all weekend and throw everything away except for one day during the weekend where I eat off of plates and leave it int he sink. two plates and a fork. I told everyone not to wash them and when I get home work my shift I would wash them. I then bought all paper and plastic stuff to eat off of and don’t cook anything. Its more then just this but this is one of the main things because I work three days straight and am home four days. I dont mind helping with whatever when im there but not when im not. I am at work more than 12 and a half hours. It takes 40 minutes to drive there and 40 minutes to drive home. I get home and shower, eat in bed, and fall asleep and get about six hours of sleep but wake up on and off because its daytime. I do not have time to do anything. He keeps expecting me to do stuff. I do not have time. i feel like a zombie on the weekends. I need to sleep. He says I choose to sleep. He sleeps more each night then I do in the whole damn weekend. This also brings up a bunch of things I am pissed off about with stacie. Him trying to always make me apologize to her to keep the peace in the house even though I did not feel I was in the wrong. Him trying to tell me that I have to talk to her even though we were out of the house and I told him I never wanted to talk to her or see her again. She was telling him if I talked to her about why I hate her so much and was so angry that she would give us our dog back (which he never told me he let her have during their arrangement until i asked about it and cried my eyes out for weeks and still do to this day) . I told him i would never willingly talk to her and see her and so he told me it would be my fault if I do not talk to her when he made the arrangement. He would not block her off my phone and I kept telling him to please block her. She kept sending me text messages and voicemails. he finally did when his girlfriend told him it was wrong not to. Thats how it tends to work around here. he is only wrong if his girlfriend tells him he is wrong. Otherwise he is always right and knows everything. Its only okay if I say exactly what he wants me to say. I don’t work like that. I am my own person. Nobody tells me how to feel and think. He has always tried to control what i say and think and I can not stand that. He used to be a drill instructor and now works at lowes with 4 employees under him which makes him feel bad so he takes it out on me by trying to get control. Some of the stuff he says to me is unbelieveable. Last night in our arguement he tried to tell me he owns that car because his name is on the title (which I did not want from the beginning because my biological mother gave me that car and I have had to pay for all the things to get it fixed. he has not helped with any of the billls when we go to get the car fixed. He pays for the insurance each month and thats it) and pays the insurance so he can take it away from me and only give it to me when I go to work.

I am so done with how he treats me. I just want to know expectations of living in the house but its always changing week to week and I feel like shit. I just feel like crying all the time now. I want to move out but I dont want to be broke and not be able to finish school. I can see about getting loans and be in debt for a big portion of my life but I think its worth the debt if I am living happier then now. Why should I feel like crying all the time and angry? I can get student loans and not pay till I become a nurse and have a good salary. Then I can see about working at a hospital that will pay my loans off for a contract. I can see about renting from family perhaps. My aunt is trying to get me to tampa but I am screwed this year. I think i will just start packing now just in case for whatever I decide.

I feel back down in the dumps and feel depressed once again. I will never apologize to someone just because they are family and it will help “keep the peace” ever again. Never. I will treat the people around me the way they treat me. He shows me no respect so why should I show him any? Last summer he did this as well and I was planning to do the adult adoption with him for his birthday in june and he pissed me off so much that I said to him I was going to do an adult adoption with you for your birthday but you can forget that and got him clothes instead. I know it hurt his feelings but when you back me up into a corner where I dont trust you and feel hurt, thats what comes out. He still keeps talking about doing an adult adoption but I keep thinking that if it ends up being like this, hell no.

I know thats terrible to say but thats how I feel so I’m not sorry. I feel like he is my dad but he treats me like shit right now.

I don’t get it (rant, just skip this if you dont want to frown)

I get so upset at my boyfriend because he has really shitty parents (excuse my language) and gets used constantly by them. I’m not upset at him because of his parents but because of how he lets himself get used. He tried to explain to me that they have lived in a nice house before and how his parents both used to work but then his mother had stopped working while he was in elementary and his dad had gotten laid off for like two years (before we started dating, now we’ve been together for 2 and half years). His parents literally did nothing about trying to get a job. No wait I stand corrected, the dad would do side jobs and ask his mother and daughter for money. They smoke cigarettes all the time and pot on the side of that. They collected food stamps for as long as they could and unemployment. When we started dating they lived in a small house in a shady part of town where I kid you not someone gets busted for drugs all the time. (Seen the cops there when I had picked him up once, and he wondered why I never wanted to go hang out at his house.) His parents share one car together that breaks down all the time, has no air conditioning, the speedometer doesn’t work anymore, and at one point the gas meter thing didn’t either.

Fast forward through time, his parents and him had gotten kicked out of the house because they hadn’t paid rent for months and months. He even told me that he was surprised they didn’t get kicked out way sooner but the owner was really nice. They went and lived with his grandma at a decent trailer park community for 55 and older. They both finally started getting a job. The father got a part time job as a janitor at a Jewish temple thats really far from here and the mother started working at a car wash. They moved over to literally the most run down trailer park down the street from his grandma’s.

They still smoke cigarettes and pot. Have a bunch of outside cats that have fleas. I don’t mind people have outside animals if you care for them properly. I personally would never have a cat or dog outside all the time. The trailer has bugs (which they have tried getting rid of). My boyfriend has told me about times where he tried to wash his clothes and some rust had gotten off the pipes and onto his white shirts, Staining them orange.

My boyfriend had started working a year ago at publix which is a great company but they work him long hours even on school nights and then he typically misses a lot of school now due to oversleeping in the mornings. His parents wanted a puppy so they kept telling him about a litter of pitbulls down the street and I told him not to get one because one, they have no room for a dog. Two, he didnt have the money for vet bills, food, shots, getting the dog fixed, and so on. Dogs are expensive. They arent small and cute forever! You have to care for them and that takes a lot of time that he doesnt have from school and work. He got a female puppy who of course grew even bigger then my dog. She eats a lot and is mainly kept in a kennel while he is gone and when she is out she has no yard to run in, and not much house to roam around. She has her shots and such but is not fixed yet so goes in heat. I feel so bad for this dog. i still get mad him over this. Don’t get an animal unless you can care for one! We got in arguments over this and he thought I was going to break up with him over it and I almost did because that is a cruel decision he never should have made. Yes he does what he can for her but its not right to have a dog kept in a kennel most of the time and then no yard to run around.

He got pressured into buying a car form his dad’s friend which is now mainly used by his dad. He knew from the start the car was going to his dad. His dad is a piece of shit. That is truly how I feel. To use everyone around you, you have to be a crappy person. I hate him the most out of his family. He has always asked to borrow money from my boyfriend. “Oh I will pay you back” What a load of BullShit.

The mother works long hours at the car wash and has lost a lot of weight. I kind of feel bad for her but then my boyfriend tells me how she yells and nags at him. No she doesn’t get to act like a grouchy mother when she doesn’t act like one. She gets mad at him for taking the car keys when neither of them are working. Where do they need to go?

I truly hate them. I don’t hate many people. There are a lot of people I dislike or find annoying but for me to truly hate you means that you really wronged either me and or someone I care about.

He is about to graduate soon from highschool. I am a grade above him. He hasnt taken his ACT or SAT even though he gets two tests free. He hasn’t filled out FAFSA to see about help with college tuition and books. He has no money saved because he decided to get insurance for his car that he barely uses. I am pissed off because I have told him to take the tests, fill out the form and even had him start it at my house, and not pay for insurance on a car he isnt using. I told him that I wasn’t going to put up with this BS at the end of this summer if he is still living there and letting them use him. I will be completely and utterly done with him and his shitty parents. I love him but will not be with someone who lets himself be trampled over forever. I am absolutely tired of trying to get him to take the steps he needed to do to go to college or at least have an option to go! He has no idea what he wants to do and I honestly can’t imagine not knowing! I have known since middle school i would go into the medical field.

He is a wonderful guy but his parents use him for every cent he has. Its surprising he is as good of a person as he is because they really havent done any parenting from what he told me.