tearlily

A Little of Everything type of Site

Back Down

on May 27, 2015

I feel back to how I felt before when my dad and I were dealing with Stacie. A psycho who manipulated us and made us feel miserable. It was miserable living with her. My dad is still married to her for one more year. He made a stupid deal with her through the lawyers and court to stay married for three years so she had insurance. His reasoning was that it was cheaper but he continued to do things for her and had to pay a certain amount of money each month. She had been married multiple times before him and used every single person for half of their retirement and whatnot. She uses everyone she can and says she is too sick to do anything which i think is a load of shit. While we dealt with all this I was in such a depressed pit hole. I felt like crying all the time and felt like crap. I went to the doctors to get anti depressants which I did not like and stopped using. I went to a therapist and that helped but I stopped when I thought I was good and then started up again and stopped again.

I thought I was good now. His girlfriend has moved in after a really tough year of dealing with cancer and I thought all was good. i am going to school full time and working a full time job at the hospital. (During the summer I am doing some online classes.) As each really tough weekend goes by the worst I get with my dad. He texts me while I am on my three day twelve hour stretches to complain about dishes. One weekend he says I need to wash my dishes and make time. I said I did not have time to wash them at night before work and will wash them in the morning when i get home. He said thats fine. Next weekend he texts me saying I have to make time. I tell him i will wash them when I get home. Each weekend it was the same thing until the weekend before last he texts me this long nasty text about how I use Debbie (his girlfriend) and how I need to get a real job and so on and so forth. I got it during my break on a horrible weekend. My break was after one int he morning. I sat in the break room tearing up and then when I drove home I cried and when I was home later I cried. He sends me this nasty message about bullshit he could have told me later and then sends a message saying sorry for how he said it but that he was completely in the right. I talked to Debbie about it and she said she did not feel used. I literally eat tv dinners all weekend and throw everything away except for one day during the weekend where I eat off of plates and leave it int he sink. two plates and a fork. I told everyone not to wash them and when I get home work my shift I would wash them. I then bought all paper and plastic stuff to eat off of and don’t cook anything. Its more then just this but this is one of the main things because I work three days straight and am home four days. I dont mind helping with whatever when im there but not when im not. I am at work more than 12 and a half hours. It takes 40 minutes to drive there and 40 minutes to drive home. I get home and shower, eat in bed, and fall asleep and get about six hours of sleep but wake up on and off because its daytime. I do not have time to do anything. He keeps expecting me to do stuff. I do not have time. i feel like a zombie on the weekends. I need to sleep. He says I choose to sleep. He sleeps more each night then I do in the whole damn weekend. This also brings up a bunch of things I am pissed off about with stacie. Him trying to always make me apologize to her to keep the peace in the house even though I did not feel I was in the wrong. Him trying to tell me that I have to talk to her even though we were out of the house and I told him I never wanted to talk to her or see her again. She was telling him if I talked to her about why I hate her so much and was so angry that she would give us our dog back (which he never told me he let her have during their arrangement until i asked about it and cried my eyes out for weeks and still do to this day) . I told him i would never willingly talk to her and see her and so he told me it would be my fault if I do not talk to her when he made the arrangement. He would not block her off my phone and I kept telling him to please block her. She kept sending me text messages and voicemails. he finally did when his girlfriend told him it was wrong not to. Thats how it tends to work around here. he is only wrong if his girlfriend tells him he is wrong. Otherwise he is always right and knows everything. Its only okay if I say exactly what he wants me to say. I don’t work like that. I am my own person. Nobody tells me how to feel and think. He has always tried to control what i say and think and I can not stand that. He used to be a drill instructor and now works at lowes with 4 employees under him which makes him feel bad so he takes it out on me by trying to get control. Some of the stuff he says to me is unbelieveable. Last night in our arguement he tried to tell me he owns that car because his name is on the title (which I did not want from the beginning because my biological mother gave me that car and I have had to pay for all the things to get it fixed. he has not helped with any of the billls when we go to get the car fixed. He pays for the insurance each month and thats it) and pays the insurance so he can take it away from me and only give it to me when I go to work.

I am so done with how he treats me. I just want to know expectations of living in the house but its always changing week to week and I feel like shit. I just feel like crying all the time now. I want to move out but I dont want to be broke and not be able to finish school. I can see about getting loans and be in debt for a big portion of my life but I think its worth the debt if I am living happier then now. Why should I feel like crying all the time and angry? I can get student loans and not pay till I become a nurse and have a good salary. Then I can see about working at a hospital that will pay my loans off for a contract. I can see about renting from family perhaps. My aunt is trying to get me to tampa but I am screwed this year. I think i will just start packing now just in case for whatever I decide.

I feel back down in the dumps and feel depressed once again. I will never apologize to someone just because they are family and it will help “keep the peace” ever again. Never. I will treat the people around me the way they treat me. He shows me no respect so why should I show him any? Last summer he did this as well and I was planning to do the adult adoption with him for his birthday in june and he pissed me off so much that I said to him I was going to do an adult adoption with you for your birthday but you can forget that and got him clothes instead. I know it hurt his feelings but when you back me up into a corner where I dont trust you and feel hurt, thats what comes out. He still keeps talking about doing an adult adoption but I keep thinking that if it ends up being like this, hell no.

I know thats terrible to say but thats how I feel so I’m not sorry. I feel like he is my dad but he treats me like shit right now.

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7 responses to “Back Down

  1. Sandra says:

    Hi young lady, I think you are very very tired, and thats a big contributor into how you feel. Take a deep deep breath, try and get some more sleep and stay under the radar as much as you can. I remember feeling just the way you do now (yes it was a long time ago), but you feel trapped, picked on and exhausted. I can guarantee you things will get better. Get some rest and respect yourself. You’re working very hard, and eventually it will pay off. You’re doing a great job, believe in yourself and don’t let anyone put you down.

    • TearLily says:

      Thank you. I am tired physically and mentally but its just that nothing around me is helping that. My dad thinks texting me while at work is the only time to tell me anything when I see him multiple times during the week. If I say anything to him he gets so overdramatic about everything. Just now he laughs because I am trying to stay up and had to take a nap and kept pressing snooze until finally getting up. I am tired because I got up early this morning when I should have slept in to stay up all night before working all nigthers this weekend because he told me to get up early today so we can go to the school together about my financial aid office because they have no idea what they are doing or talking about. Oh I wake up this morning early and he tells me this morning that oh yeah he has a doctors appointment and now it wont be till afternoon. What the heck? So now I am exhausted and need to stay up all night to prep for this weekend or it will be miserable. I tell him as nice as I can that I am tired because of getting up early for no reason and it was rude to laugh about me being tired. He says I’m sorry for being a complete f*ck up. exact words. I am so done with his guilt trips. I tell him straight to his face that he is being over dramatic. His brithday and fathers day is coming up and every little thing keeps adding up and making me feel like taking back all his gifts. I have been nice. I asked if he wanted to go to olive garden with me and my boyfriend for lunch before work and he puts olive garden down saying he doesnt like them. Good because I didnt want him to go anyway!

      Please give me some words of wisdom to calm me down on all this. Im so tired of him also constantly being inconsistent with what he says. He has been really in my business about where I am and when I get home and where I go. This is why I want to leave. It’s not just recently that this all started. its just worse now that I have this job. It may just be me but I think he literally has flipped out more since I have started working there.

  2. Sandra says:

    Oh I remember being at the beginning of my adult and working life, and I remember my daughter being in the same phase. Its so hard! Sometimes the world seems to be against you and no matter how hard you try you can’t please anyone. You are doing an amazing job. You are working hard. Belive in yourself, thats the most important thing, just believe in yourself and work towards your future. I know its hard, but try and avoid arguments with your dad, even when he’s acting selfish. When you feel things getting out of hand between the two of you, walk away and find a place to be. Write it all down, be creative, turn it into a story about you. Maybe one day you can go back to it and turn it into a real story about your life. Arguing and fighting is an exhausting waste of time and energy. You work so hard that all your spare energy should be saved from having fun with your boyfriend. Silly as it sounds, when I was in your position as a teenager, I used to find a field away from everyone and sing at the top of my voice. The sound that came out was AWFUL because I can’t sing, but the loudness freed my anger, got it all out. It sounds ridiculous, but you should try it, either that or do something really physical. Shadow boxing or just jumping around throwing your arms around. If you catch a glimpe of youself in the mirror doing it, it will make you laugh and brighten your mood. These both sound dumb, but they beat getting drunk and really lighten your mood. Keep blogging, writing down your feeling are good, but most of all believe in yourself. All of this will pass. I’ll watch out for your blogs, always here to help. Take Care!

    • TearLily says:

      I know this is really late but I just wanted to say thank you for all you say to me. I really do appreciate it and I know it will all come and go faster than I know it but sometimes it gets overwhelming. My only worry about blogging sometimes is that some people in my life now or used to be in my life will look it up and read about it. At times I want to change to a completely different blog because of this but I don’t want to miss hearing what you have to say. I doubt many other people read what I have to say haha.

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